Confession Tuesday on Thanksgivukkah

I'm cheating here a bit - It's been a week and two days since my last confession so I'm combining my Confession Tuesday with My Thanksgiving Blessings (of what am I thankful for) and because it's Hanukkah as well a tribute to my Jewish friends.

Dear Reader:

I confess that I almost did my Confession Tuesday on time but a part of me was holding back to do it on thanksgiving. Another part of me was feeling kind of yucky so it was just as easy to put it off as not. Okay, it was actually easier at the time. (this is a confession post).

I have Type II diabetes and after battling with some higher numbers lately I saw my doctor and we changed one of my oral medications for a three week trial. The change has in fact brought my numbers down dramatically and on a couple occasions I've had major drops in the numbers to critical levels. So physically my body has been through a lot readjusting this week, That's on top of an especially busy week at the office. I was in the middle of one of those yucky feeling  moods Tuesday night so that made the decision seem so easy to wait with the confession.

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me because it is so food orientated.  I recall one year maybe the first or second year post diagnosis I left the table in the middle of the meal in tears. That hasn't happened since, but I confess that I do find it hard and at times I have thrown caution to the wind.

As I have gotten older I've come to realize why diabetes is a silent killer. You can go through of life absorbing  much of the discomfort and at some point realize the toll it has taken on the body.

So I confess, that today I want to look at Thanksgiving beyond the food. I want to look at it as a break from the office work. I'm thankful for both my job and breaks from it.

As I will see all but one of my children today, I am thankful for my family. I'm thankful for there tolerance (after all I'm a poet),  their love, their support.

I'm thankful for our family pets - they are a wonderful example of unconditional love.

I'm thankful for health-care and I confess that I look forward to the day when we as a nation truly recognize access to quality health care as not something only for the privileged.

I'm thankful that I have found writing as a source of strength. I'm thankful for my wife Cathy for so many reasons, not the least of which is how supportive she is of my writing.

I'm thankful for many writer-friends, some local and some not so local that also provide support and encouragement. I confess that I truly believe that writers need other writers.

I could go on with a list of so many blessings that's I'd be here all day. I think I can sum much of it up that I realize that I was born into a land of great abundance and wealth. While not all Americans are rich economically, we do have so much more then the rest of the world. There are others ways to be rich, and I am thankful that my family and I do experience many of them daily.

To all my friends, I wish you all the blessings of a happy life. To my Jewish friends - a very happy Hanukkah.

Be safe - have a lovely day, and moderation to all!

Sing To My Eyes....

“Painting is the silence of thought and the music of sight.”  ~ Orhan Pamuk

Confession Tuesday - Headless Edition

Dear Readers:

It's been one week, a week of blowing leaves, naked trees, feeling tired and losing my head all since my last confession. 

I confess that  several nights this past week I came home from work and crashed into bed and slept for a while before I could do anything. I've battled some high blood sugar numbers which I suspect had something to do with this. I made a change on my medication and things seem better now. Numbers have been excellent today. 

I do think the combination of higher numbers and the normal seasonal blues have cut back on my functionality post work. I've have very busy/productive days at the office but as soon as I arrive home it just seems like it's been easier to just let it all go to hell. If anything has suffered, it's been my writing at home. 

Twice this week I confess that I basically  lost my head after work. Monday I got on the highway and was almost all the way home and I realized I left the bag in which I keep my medicine and my glucose monitor in at the office. I turned around and drove all the way back downtown to retrieve it.  Tonight, I was in the parking lot and I thought I left my phone on my desk, so I trudged back in and was going up on the elevator when I realized that when I had felt me pocket and realized it was not there I did not take into account it was in my other hand with my planner. At least I didn't make a trip like Monday, I just returned to the parking lot and went home. 

As you can see, at quitting time my head has truly shut down the past two nights.  I'm debating  if I will even write tonight after  this post. 

The K.C. Chiefs lost this weekend to the Denver Broncos. A fact that has has sent many at work over the edge. Some feel the the team that was 9-0 for the season is now doomed. It's amusing the fatalism that many people in this city have. It's kind of like the team has been so bad the last couple of years that they can't believe the season is for real. I refuse to get high or low over this situation. I confess I prefer to remain indifferent. I'm like the poster child for apathy. Am I bad for this? 

Till next week.... hang on to your head. Don't be like me.   

The Mag 194

The Letter

The nights are cold without you.
The days much too long.

Distance is measured
by lustful thoughts-
I cannot help.

I send this not to guilt you
but because my lips can reach you
no other way.

I have sealed the envelope
with the dampness of my tongue in hope-
and the stamp a breath & kiss.



Michael A. Wells


The Mag 194

The Case Against Broad Government Surveillance

For a while I thought I might be coming at the matter of government surveillance from a different perspective then a lot of people. I read comments from others who say they are a little concerned but they say they just always figure the government is listening in anyway.

I'm a product of the Vietnam generation and we came to learn that President Nixon had agents going to peace rallies and document participants. Of course their efforts were remedial by surveillance standards today but the fact is they kept file on people they considered a threat to this country because they exercised their constitutional right to assembly to protest our involvement in Vietnam. Think what he could have done with the technology available today? I'm relatively confident that Nixon was so paranoid of average Americans that he would be salivating over what the government is doing today to you and I.

I was both encouraged and discouraged by a PEN America survey of American writers that found 85% are worried about government surveillance and 73% have never been more worried about privacy rights and freedom of the press as they are today. The encouraging part is writers are paying attention. This is a good thing.  Of course the concern doesn't alleviate the erosion of privacy. And beside from the concern there is another down side... it is impacting how writers conduct themselves.

The PEN survey indicates the 28% or nearly a third have curtailed or avoided social media activities and another 12% have seriously considered doing the same, all because of the threat of surveillance. And nearly one quarter (24%) have deliberately  avoided certain topics in phone and email conversations. Another 9% have seriously considered this avenue.

One chilling effect this is having on writers is 16%  have avoided writing or speaking  about a particular topic. Another 11% seriously considered it.

The report goes on....

• 16% refrained from conducting searches on the Internet or visiting websites on topics they consider controversial.
• 13% have taken steps to disguise or cover their digital footprints. 
• 3% have actually declined opportunities to meet in person or electronically with persons how might be deemed security threats by the government. 

In each of these instances there were measurable numbers who seriously considered taking these same drastic steps.

It troubles me that writers, be they journalists or or in the literary arts are finding themselves self-censoring over fear from our own government.

The 4th Amendment, freedom of the press is necessary to assure the survival of the republic against the kinds controls the brought to power fascist governments in Germany, the Soviet Union and China in years past. These are some of the same kinds of extremes we are seeing in many middle-eastern countries as well.

I am not convinced that a more secure America is one in which we are all under the watchful eyes of the government. That is an awesome power and one that can very easily lead to dangers in our democracy right here at home.

The press, the arts were all under watchful eyes in  Nazi Germany. The government controlled the flow of information and yes even the arts. Knowledge is a powerful freedom for people. The control of knowledge too is powerful but in subverts the liberties of people.

Confession Tuesday - Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Edition

 I'm off to the confessional...

Dear reader:

Two weeks it's been since I was last here. I confess I cannot recall what was going on two weeks ago when I should have been do this , I just know I wasn't here.

It's funny but for some reason I think of the confessional like it's some kind of penalty box. Like in hockey. God would look funny in a black and white striped shirt and black slacks and a whistle ring on his hand, patrolling the rink of life and pretty bad assed on skates.

So I'm in the penalty box until I spill it all. Two weeks worth.

I confess that I could be a glutton for Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Cereal - Limited Edition by Kellogg. I mean this shit is good. Good sized hunks of chocolate, almonds lightly sweetened corn type flakes and chocolate flakes as well. I could easily eat a sinful amount of it but I haven't so far. This is good right?

I confess that recently it seems that I started looking as everyone else as in one age group and me in another. (I'm in the old group) I don't know what this is about. I confess that aging has always been stressful topic for me but it's like as I slowly got older I kept moving the goal posts a little further and so I would think to myself "you are getting older" I would at the same time dismiss it as "well isn't everyone?" That was my fall back. So what, everyone else is getting older, we are just all doing it together. I don't know it this evolves from something in a conversation with my wife recently or what  but somehow I feel like while I wasn't looking  someone did a sneaky and  brought the goal post back to me.  I like to believe you are only as old as you feel. But right now, I feel I'm there. (sigh)

I confess that the K.C. Chiefs are 9-0 and I could care less.

I confess that I've been more diligent about my writing since being back in my office at home. I also confess I probably waste too much time on Facebook and Twitter, still I do find at times that I see things of value on there. Maybe not enough for the time I'm on though. I think it tends to feed my ADD.

I confess as the news of the typhoon that hit the Philippine Islands this weekend seems beyond human comprehension.

I confess I thought  I heard Anne Sexton speak to me this weekend. I wasn't profound... it was something like, "It's all about the words..."  But maybe that's more profound than I think.

Monday I was biding time waiting for a furnace repairman at my daughter's house by reading a Sharon Olds book of poems when I read something that struck me as so perfectly written that I sank in the couch and thought  what on earth am I doing?  I texted a poet friend and explained that I had read this poem and had written a lot lately but all of a sudden I was like why? I felt so totally inadequate. I confess the friend had good advice and I'm working on it.

I confess that I should be due for an acceptance or a rejection any day now. I can handle whichever.

I confess it's 91 days and 2 hours until pitchers and catchers report to spring training if anyone besides me cares.

Amen!

The Mag 193

Danseuse ajustant sa bretelle, 1895-96, Edgar Degas

 The Ballerina's Private Warm Up

She feels the constriction 

of a cocoon and the solitude- 

therein lies the crystalline craving 

to spin herself free.

A twirl to unwind- to whip-up

the motion to unclog the black and white

all around her-  she wishes for wind

she wishes for a spin-off of gale force

to extricate her from this morose.

She rises on her toes - shaky first

then in a solid stance her arms rise 

overhead with poise a momentary pause.

There is no music, except that alone

in her head- the composition

comes with spontaneity 

Is a powerful turn 

she thrusts herself into a running leap,

long legs scissor in defiance of gravity

then another, and a third

with a solid land- quickly

rising again to a pointe

she spins again 

shaking free of the grayness

her heart pounding

her chest heaves 

as she drops down

arms collapse to the floor

head bowing supplication...

Michael A. Wells

The Mag 193