Confession Tuesday - How Are You?

Dear Friends:

Please don't tell anyone that it's not Tuesday.  It has been God only knows how long since my last confession Tuesday. I admit that I am a fallen-away Tuesday Confessor.  And this is my attempt to make amends.

How are you anyway? You know people often ask that question during the course of a normal day. Passing each other at work (You remember that? You remember work?)  People ask how you are, but I don't think they really want to hear Crappy.  I wonder how many people just brush off the question by saying fine?

I have no idea exactly what C-19 day this is because I'm not sure I know when the counting started.  I have been notified today that the courthouse (are department) will start back on May 18 with numerous protective protocol in place. Our department will not been open per se to the public walking through.

My wife asked me how I felt about this today and after a brief pause, I said fine. It is not that I have not been working all these days, just doing so from home for the most part. There are things about working from home that do make my job a bit more challenging. There is a bit of a fear that lurks ahead in the world out there and I try to tell myself it's okay.  I am enormously thankful to have a job. Some 26 million plus people filing for unemployment. I am indeed prayerful daily for the meany that are through no fault of own, even having trouble just putting food on the table much less deal with other financial matters.

I am torn between my introverted self and my extroverted self. The introverted is the dominant one. And I have not totally  been alone as my wife has been here too. Still, as I go about my day the adjustment to things has not been easy. I don't deny that I am feeling a degree of depression. That is not unusual for me through late winter into spring. It usually lets up about the time baseball gets underway. But I am missing. baseball and that doesn't seem right.  Baseball is for me a metaphor for life and when it fills my heart and mind, I feel like life is alive in all it's fullness.  I also happen to believe that baseball and poetry have a lot in common.

Again, the violet bows to the lily.
Again, the rose is tearing off her gown!   ~ Rumi

I am trying to make more sense of Rumi. He seems to transcend all religions, and speak to all people. We could use more of that. Even in our tragic moments when life is challenged and hinges on the edge of tipping one way or the other, we still have people driven and divided by fear and ignorance. The fear is natural. We all experience it at times. But when fear is fed by ignorance, the results are never good.

Just as I believe Rumi has a lot to offer us to better our life, call me a romantic if you wish, but I still believe poetry matters. I believe we can find our tattered and torn self in poetry. I have been reading Like A Bird of a Thousand Wings, by Melissa Studdard. Her words seem to be taking up residence in my soul.

Self is a place
we keep getting sewn back into.
We fly away.
It sews us back. We tear
the fabric, here comes the needle.
 ~ Melissa Studdard - But Who Will Hear You From So Far Across The Sky?
From Like A Bird of A Thousand Wings.

I confess:

• I have fears today.
• Sometimes my writing doesn't seem good enough.
• I want to run out into a crowd and get lost - but don't.
• I feel guilty for having a job.
• I disappoint.
• Feel pathetic.
• Want to lock myself in a room and shut the world out.
• Feel confused.
• Want to hug someone, want to be hugged. 
• Want to write the next great memorable poem.
• Don't think I will ever complete another poem.
• I want time - It's a commodity I never feel I will have enough of.
• I am an INFP - deal with it!

Until next tine, be safe - Love - Laugh - Peace

 

Don't Come Any Closer - Here, Have Some Virtual Love - X O

These are difficult times for us all.  Social Distancing, don't touch your face,  wash your hands while singing Happy Birthday (I've gravitated to Africa by Toto), stay home, and only essential worker go to work.

I fall into an in-between category.  Our office is having us work from home and therefor I am 90% at home.  My work is essential, but can be accomplished at home except for periodic court hearing. Those I go to the courthouse for. It's like a ghost town. Court hearings are generally with about 5 to 7 people. The respondent is on a Polycom along with other testifying witnesses.  These could occur daily, but tend to be a couple to three days a week. Sometimes there are more than one on a given day. So, I am otherwise sheltering at home.

I have had more time to write, to read, and binge watch Homeland.  Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin are phenomenal actors. I haven't binge watched anything in several years.

There has been more time to think as well. That includes paranoid thoughts about Covid-19.  About after the curve is flattened, how many people will still be contagious and for how long. I for one don't see this danger ending for months not weeks.

Having more time to think is positive only if I can expand my thinking in positive and creative ways. I try to note things in particular that could be incorporated into my writing.  In regular real life, it is not uncommon for me to let significant but fleeting thoughts pass on to wherever such neurons go to die.

Social media has done two things in these times. It has allowed us to stay connected while we are apart. It has also made such interaction seem at times a little more intrusive. Online, everybody is there.  On balance the scale tips more to the good than the bad.

I see people (poets I know that do some collaborative or group writing.  There is a part of me that is jealous, and I'm not one to see jealousy in a positive light, so I don't want to be that poet.  There are a couple of people I may touch base with and see if they would like to meet on Facetime or Skype. It's a thought.

A concern I have is for the most vulnerable of people. Person on the street.  Persons who live alone but may still get out and about. Persons who could retreat inside and succumb to the illness and have no one checking on them.  I too am concerned for those who trot off to church totally ignoring social distancing in the belief that they are safe by the blood of Jesus.  I can applaud their faith but not  their actions. God gave us a brain and I'm pretty sure he counted on us using it.

Covid-19 will be talked about, written about, and debated about for a long time. Some have suggested it to be on the scale of 9-11. I have considered this, but we have passed the deaths attributed to the Twin Towers attack. Additionally, this is international. Its impact is going to be far and wide. I could not bring myself to write a 9-11 poem for years.  I wrote a Covid-19 poem that has already been accepted.  There will be anthologies as there were for Katrina.  I'd like to see one to raise money to help in some way.  It just seems like a poet thing to do. 

Burn The Beauty - Elizabeth McCrorie

Burn The Beauty

© Elizabeth McCrorie 

Published: July 2008

One does not own beauty.
One creates it.
In their dreams,
They feel they can obtain it.

All alone, in a dark night's
rest.
All their thoughts...
Lifeless.

Cursed by change
Hidden by lies,
Running from the truth.
Beauty now dies.

They don't understand.
They don't really care.
Beauty now burns
Smoke in the air.

Years go by,
And age seeps in.
Beauty's worn out,
Life is giving in.

Death creeps up,
Beauty now cries.
You're all alone
In your beautiful lies!

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/burn-the-beauty

Hold Fast to Your Dreams

Dreams 

Hold fast to dreams 
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly. 

Hold fast to dreams 
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field 
Frozen with snow. 



By - Langston Hughes

Entering Culturally Dark Days Ahead.

Please do not misunderstand my purpose for writing  this post, It is in no way intended to make light of the health danger posed by the outbreak of Covid-19. The risk poses an  incredibly real danger to the population at large, and that includes you and I.   Epidemiologists tell us that the number of positive cases will double every 6 days. That kind of growth rate is nothing short of frightening. 

Unquestionably, this will have tremendous impact on our society - at least for the short term. The nation and indeed the world economy is already being taxed tremendously by it, and the impact on markets, businesses, schools, transportation, hotels, and anything that involves people coming together in groups and close quarters is being felt.

NBA, NHL, MLB, March Madness are all being impacted because the crowds in such venues would provide easy pathways to transmission.   Seeing all the various sports canceled leaves me wondering about how how married couples are going to deal with. this void. They may have to actually talk to each other.

It was during evening drive time I was thinking what a hit culture in the country is taking a hit. I know for example our symphony is canceling events. I assume theaters are as well. So too I would think that local poetry readings are being canceled. I certainly will not be making the rounds and this is sad but the right thing to do.

In an effort to keep poetry before the public during this dark period, I plan to share on social media some of my favorite poets and poems. The same with music.  It is at times like these we most need poems and music to speak to our soul. I hope others will do the same.

In closing I would encourage people to rely on the CDC as well as state and local health departments for information concerning issues related to your own health.  Please keep in mind it is important to consider your own health, but those you come in contact with.  Even if you have a mild case, realize you may be placing others with high risk factors in serious danger.

So How Is My AWP Coming Along - You Ask?

Yes, thanks for asking.  I have a fair amount of new reading material. Later I will go into details.

You may have heard that AWP has found itself competing with Covad-19.  I began hearing some talk a week ago about the outbreak (which seemed minimal at that point in the US), but was certainly on radars.  Like most other writers I followed the latest CDC news and yes, even the largely suspect White House information.

On March 2nd it was announced that the Board would be issuing a statement on the conference.

By the 3rd, I was aware there were 11 confirmed cases somewhere in Texas.  AWP Board Members were in contact with CDC and the Mayor's office.  A The word was they were moving conference the size of AWP is certainly a financial  liability and asset at the same time.  In Portland last year I believe there were between 14,000 and 15,000. The thousands of exhibitors and time commitments by staff and even members is no small matter. Writers plan way in advance for panels, onsite and offsite readings, and there are an array of big name speakers.

The day before the event opens there is news that the Board of directors painstakingly ruled to move ahead with the event. I have to tell you, writers, AWP members, are social animals. It was suggested that while the conference was moving forward it was with the caveat to caution to curb the greeting enthusiasm.  Such recommendations as loud enthusiastic greetings, no handshakes, hugs, or customary embarrass. Blown kisses only. Thoughtful nods. Wash hands regularly. Use hand sanitizers often. Keep your hands off your face, nose, eyes, you get the drill here - curb the socialization as much as possible.

But when the word can down that the event was a go,  the board indicated that those who were coming could have their financial investment in AWP#20 applied to AWP#21 in Kansas City next year.  In addition,  this tweet was sent out by Diane Zinna one of the co-directors of the conference:

Diane Zinna  @DianeZinna. Mar3  I am broken-harted, but I resigned from AWP this morning over the decision to hold  the conference. I will always love. this community and ask that you please be kind to the board and tiny staff, people who are working so hard and believe in you.

Diane is a very special person to many of us. She created the Writer-to-Writer mentoring program. I am an alumni of the Spring 2017 Session. She has nurtured the program and all of us along the way.  This hit me very hard.

Still, I was preparing to leave at 5:45 in the morning. Besides packing, people that know me well, know that I would be would be up all night, watching Super Tuesday returns.  Those that don't know me well won't  understand this.  But I rolled out of here at 3:00 a.m. for the airport dead tired, but trying to be upbeat.

I should have known it would be a bad morning when I parked in the econo-parking and caught the tram to the terminal. I realized I had left my glasses in the car.  Inside I bought a pair of single vision. to get me through everything, checked my bag and ultimately boarded to the Conference.

I had known for days now that many of my friends were opting not to go. While waiting for my boarding I sifted through a number of Facebook and Twitter feeds.  More were deciding not to go. Oh, I had some friends already there and I rationalized this would give me an opportunity to meet new people (which is always one of my goals).  Then I saw that many of the presses were pulling out and that they were organizing an online or virtual book fair offering some of the normal conference discounts through Sunday.

I can't tell you the last time I flew and had a whole row to myself. I got my own row on the flight to Dallas where I would have a short layover and then on to San Antonio. This would have been great but the whole flight I was hot and the overhead blower was not helping.  My ears popped and I felt miserable.  My anxiety increased. Yes, I thought about. my age, and diabetes as placing me at a higher risk if I contracted Covid-19, but I hd been over that rational for days. What I was really starting to fear was getting to the conference and finding that it was a shell of what it should be.  That some of the panels that were important to me had been canceled and God knows how many more would before it was over.  On the layover I had tweeted some of my friends there already and they all had friends that opted out - pretty much said everyone was choosing to be non-judgmental. If you fell you needed to be there, it's your call. If you feel this one is not for you same. People said they would miss me but life goes on.

There was still the matter of my reading Saturday, and the hotel reservation. I called my wife and  decided to convert my return ticket and fly  home.  I made the other calls to clean up the remaining conference details and was back in Kansas City  later in the afternoon.

So my day today has been busy writing. Following details of conference. A hand full of things are being live streamed. Working on some ideas, and virtually shopping at the book fair. (which requires real money)

So here is what I have coming  as far as new reading material. Some are supposed to be here by tomorrow evening, a couple are new releases for later in the month.

1. Fieldnotes on Ordinary Love by Keith S. Wilson
2. Soft Targets by Deborah Landau
3. Father's Day by Matthew Zapruder
4. I Live in the Country and other Dirty Poems by Arielle Greenberg
5. In the Lateness of the World by Carolyn Forche
6. Like a Bird with a Thousand Wings by Melissa Studdard
7. Partial Genius - Prose Poems by Mary Biddinger
8. Slide to Unlock by Julie E. Bloemeke
9. The Long White Cloud of Unknowing by Lisa Samuels  

That's the book purchases so far.

By the way - I am especially. happy with my writing so far today.   

Will catch a livestream of the Keynote address this evening. 

The one thing you cannot replicate besides seeing friends, is the swag. I will miss the #W2W Reception and the swag. 

It's Coming - AWP #20 blogging

The annual AWP writers conference is coming at us with the speed of an asteroid. The annual event brings together writers of all genres from across the U.S. and beyond.

AWP #20 will occur in San Antonio, starting on Wednesday the 4th. I can confirm that I have already experienced a bit of the typical anxiety associated with the pilgrimage.  Each year there are generally 12,000 or more in attendance. If I recall correctly there were like 14,000 last year in Portland.

I have somewhat introvert tendencies, although at times I may break free of the chains. As long as I am able to retreat and recharge from time to time, I can deal with it.  For me the stressor are being away from home, being in the midst of a crushing mob (slight exaggeration),  meeting people I am in awe of and being fearful I appear to be a complete goofball, and meeting complete strangers and feeling. my first impression (and lasting one) totally sucked. It is my hope to report/blog from the conference maybe a couple of times a day.

WHY EVEN GO?  Good question.  I think it has to be personal for each attendee.  For some it is seeing friends that you may see only once or twice a year.  Or it could be meeting  publishers.  Crisscrossing the book fair (always enormous) in search of bargains, newly published material, author signings, or readings. Both onsite and offsite. It could be learning more about the craft at panel presentations, or ideas, learning about marketing or working with publishers, agents, etc.

This year, I am focusing  on a couple aspects of craft. Seeing some friends, attending some readings and doing a reading myself. I want to springboard from the conference into a greater energy in my writing. I have a manuscript I am trying to finish and this could help push me over the finish line.

I always make a list of those I hope to see. Some for the first time. Some friends I'd like to hang out with for a bit.  It's a challenge to see how many of these people I  can catch up with given  because everyone has their own schedule and we often become like ships passing in the night.

THE  THING THAT IS DIFFERENT THIS YEAR:

There is something  looming overhead as we head to San Antonio. So much talk of the coronavirus has added a new level of anxiety. So many questions about how ready we are for an outbreak in the U.S. have created a legitimate concern.  I am impressed with AWP leadership for tracking the CDC daily and reporting on efforts to proactively implement ways to make the conference as safe as possible.

AWP has been tweeting messages like this-  Fewer handshakes, more smiles, louder greetings, thoughtful nods! At #AWP20, we’re in close communication with the conference center & City of San Antonio, & watching news fm CDC closely. We’re increasing hand sanitizing units and will have Lysol wipes in every meeting room.

I have a reasonable level of confidence that all will go well, but this is in large part because I believe the leadership of the conference is doing what it can to protect us all.  I have way more confidence in their leadership on this than I do the federal government.


Anyway, I am busy getting ready this weekend. Hopeful San Antonio will be a great conference. I am a veteran of 4 previous conferences - this will make 5.